Not everyone comforts in the same way: how culture shapes emotional care

It is often said that it is not so much what is said as how it is said. A phrase said with good intentions, but expressed in a poorly chosen way, can often land badly. “Don’t cry”, “you have to be strong”, “I’m sure it’s not that bad” or even a practical piece of advice can come from a genuine desire to help and still fail to comfort the person receiving it. Sometimes the problem is not a lack of affection, but the fact that each person has learned differently what it means to accompany someone else’s pain.

That difference is not only personal. It is also cultural. The way we listen, encourage, give space or try to change someone’s mood is shaped by learned norms about how emotions should be expressed and what is expected from others when someone is going through a difficult moment. A recent study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, PNAS, has analysed precisely this question: to what extent cultural context shapes our motivation to make other people feel better.

The study, led by Shir Ginosar Yaari and Maya Tamir together with a broad international team, gathered data from more than 6,900 participants across 17 countries. Its central question was very specific: do we try to relieve other people’s distress in the same way everywhere? The results suggest that we do not. And that difference matters, because what one society understands as emotional support may feel insufficient, intrusive or even uncomfortable in another.

Comforting is also learned

The research focuses on interpersonal emotion regulation, a concept that describes attempts to influence how another person feels. This is not only about managing our own emotions, but about acting on those of someone close to us: a partner who has had a bad day, a worried friend, an overwhelmed family member or a colleague who needs support. In these situations, people do not respond only from their personality. They also do so from a learned idea of what caring means.

In many Western and individualistic contexts, helping is often associated with reducing a negative emotion as soon as possible. If someone is sad or anxious, those around them are expected to encourage them, reassure them or remind them that the situation can improve. Making the other person feel better is interpreted as a sign of affection, closeness and support. An unpleasant emotion is therefore understood as something that should be eased in order to protect individual wellbeing and the relationship.

The study found that people from more individualistic cultures tended to show a greater motivation to improve other people’s emotional state, as well as being more likely to express concern directly and less likely to encourage emotional suppression or overthinking. In these contexts, comforting is often linked to intervening: saying something, doing something, shifting the focus and, ultimately, reducing the intensity of what hurts.

When helping does not always mean intervening

In more collectivistic cultures, the pattern tends to be different. This does not mean that there is less empathy or less concern for others. The difference lies in how the value of a difficult emotion is interpreted and in the type of response considered most appropriate. In some contexts, suffering is not understood only as something that should disappear quickly, but also as a signal that can encourage reflection, responsibility or acceptance of a situation. In that sense, accompanying someone does not always mean cheering them up immediately, but supporting them, respecting their pace and avoiding excessive intervention.

This difference completely changes the way we read everyday situations. One person may say “don’t worry, everything will be fine” with the intention of offering relief, while another may feel that the phrase minimises what they are going through. Someone may offer practical solutions because they believe that is the most useful form of support, while the person listening may simply need their concern to be acknowledged. The opposite can also happen: a quieter or more restrained response may seem like coldness or indifference, when it may simply be prudence and respect for the other person’s space.

The research published in PNAS invites us to question a very widespread idea: that there is only one correct way to care emotionally. Many popular wellbeing recommendations are based on specific cultural models: talking about what we feel, expressing emotions, seeking support, reframing the problem positively or trying to regain a sense of control as soon as possible. All these strategies can be useful, but they do not have the same meaning in every context and do not work in the same way for every person.

What this means for mental health

Psychology has long pointed out that cultural context influences how suffering is expressed, how resources are sought and how symptoms are interpreted. This new research adds another layer: it also shapes the way we expect others to respond to our emotions. We do not only learn to feel in a certain way. We also learn what a mother, a friend, a partner, a therapist or a colleague should do when they see us suffer.

This concept has important implications in the field of mental health. In increasingly diverse and globalised societies, professionals need more than general listening skills. They need cultural sensitivity to identify what each person understands as support, what role the family or community plays, how much space is given to emotional expression and what type of response is most appropriate. A patient who does not verbalise their distress very much is not necessarily avoiding the problem; the fact that someone does not want to be encouraged in that moment does not mean they are rejecting help.

This is especially important when healthcare takes place outside a person’s usual cultural context, both for those receiving help and for those offering it. A person from Spain may move, study or work in a country in East Asia, where emotional expression may be experienced in a more restrained way, and find themselves facing very different codes from the ones they expected. The same can happen to a healthcare professional working in another country who has to interpret different ways of communicating pain, concern or the need for support. In these cases, confusing discretion with coldness, or a lack of direct expression with an absence of distress, can lead to misunderstandings. Understanding these differences helps professionals accompany others without judging from their own cultural framework.

Asking before comforting

But this also has consequences outside the consultation room. In friendships, couples, families or work teams, many conflicts arise from misreading the type of support the other person needs or expects. We do not always fail because we lack interest. Sometimes we simply offer the comfort that would help us, not the one the other person needs.

That is why, before trying to comfort someone, it may be more helpful to ask rather than act on autopilot. “How are you feeling?”, “do you just want to tell me what happened or would you rather we think about a solution?”, “do you need to talk about this now?”, “would it help if I gave you my opinion?” or “do you want company?” These are simple questions, but they change the starting point. They prevent us from imposing a support formula and allow us to recognise that each person may need something different at a different moment.

Supporting others based on what they need

The value of the study does not lie in establishing a hierarchy between cultures or deciding “who comforts better”. Its contribution is more interesting: it shows that emotional care is not neutral or universal in its forms. We want to help, but we learn how to do so within an environment that teaches us which emotions should be relieved, which can be maintained and how affection or closeness should be shown.

Understanding this does not take value away from empathy. It makes it more precise. Because accompanying someone is not only about trying to make them feel better according to our own idea of wellbeing. It also means recognising that relief can take many forms. Sometimes it will be a direct word. Other times, a conversation that brings calm. Not everyone comforts in the same way, and knowing this is the first step towards supporting others better.